Truth is, many men do not understand the concept of consent. I’m going to try and make this as short as possible.
Tell a guy to imagine a woman walking up to him and slapping his bum or grabbing his penis and he wouldn’t still understand consent. The way to make him understand is to make him imagine a homosexual grabbing his bum or his penis. Say that and he immediately understands consent.
Let it be known that consent can be withdrawn at any time. No matter how far whatever you’re doing has gone, consent can be withdrawn and continuing amidst protests from the other party is rape. It’s like a friend visiting you while you’re having your lunch. You ask him to join you eat and he digs his spoon into your rice and for some reason you change your mind, you have every right to ask him to stop that you’ve changed your mind. Even if he has take his first spoon, you have every right to stop him from taking another.
One mistake people make is thinking consent is only available to women. Men you also have the right to give or withdraw consent. You can give her head, penetrate her and change your mind halfway and stop. It’s your right. That you’ve penetrate her doesn’t mean you can’t withdraw consent. If she tries forcing you and keeps touching you inappropriately amidst protestations from you, she is molesting you.
I have seen women who are big on the fight against rape say jokingly “if my man stops halfway during sex when I’m not yet done I’ll rape him oh”. It might be a joke but what I’ve learnt is that rape is nothing to joke about. Even if you were at the verge of cumming and he stops, it means he has withdrawn his consent.
Now, we all know threatening one to have sex with you is rape but so also is manipulation. If she visits you and you had already promised her transport fare home but you go back on your word because she refused you sex, if she gets to have sex with you on this condition, you raped her. You knew she’d be stranded, you knew you she came out with nothing. If she gives in to sex so you can provide transport fare home, then you’re a rapist.
Now, drugging a lady and having sex with her is rape. Giving a lady an aphrodisiac without her knowledge and as a result she has sex with you, you’re a rapist.
No matter how old a girl looks, if she hasn’t reached the age of consent in your country, you’re a rapist. No matter how intellectually sound she is. It doesn’t matter if she begged you for it. It doesn’t matter if even after she grows up she sees nothing wrong with it its still rape. Keep your hands away from minors.
All that being said, let me say this clearly. Begging one to have sex with you is not rape. If you make a move to have sex with her and she refuses but you beg her and she agrees, then good for you but that is not rape. It’s like me saying my girl raped me because at first I told her I wasn’t in the mood, she pleased with me a little and I succumbed? That’s very silly.
People who say this normally have women in mind when talking consent. So they feel any time a man begs a lady for sex and she obliges she was raped. Do you know what this school of thought insinuates? It paints a picture of an unintelligent creature who doesn’t know what is right or wrong. A sane woman who wasn’t drunk or drugged agrees to sex and you call it rape because the man said “please”? You’re trying to say women do not know what they want and have fish brains just as some people have been saying.
So imagine I go visiting my friend and I see him counting money, I ask him for some but he refuses, I beg a little and he succumbs and gives me some, does that mean he can go sue me for robbery? Or for stealing? If I can’t do that with money why is it so with sex?
I hate the way people are trying to make everything seem like rape. Someone even said if you do not expressly hear her say yes that you raped her. That means before you sleep with your girlfriend, no matter the scenario, you must ask her and she must explicitly give an answer. That’s hogwash. There are times both of you have spontaneous sex. My girl touches me and I know from her expression she wants sex, I first have to ask her to consent? You’re a couple, you know when you both want it. This thinking can only be manifest when one sees women as the only party to give consent. What about you? Did you ask him for his consent before riding him cowgirl style or waking him up with a blowjob? Some men wake their women up with cunnilingus, so that’s rape? It’s rape if you know she doesn’t want such but you go ahead to keep doing it.
As a couple, you both know when the other party wants sex just as you. When it becomes rape is when he/she refuses but you go ahead to have your way. You don’t necessarily have to say these words “Do you consent to this?” every time you have sex.
This is long enough, let me stop here. I’ll write about male rape next.
© Buchi Stein Emezue